A Marriage Worth Fighting For...
Do as I say, not as I do!
SHHHHH, do not tell my children, but I have been married for almost 18 years to my high school sweetheart. I am 36 years old with 2 amazing kids, Noah 11, and Addison 9. So yes, I got married when I was fresh out of my Senior year in high school (cringe) at only 18 years old. At first, when we decided to get married those who didn’t know us well thought that we might be hiding some sort of scandal, was I pregnant? The answer of course was no, as we waited to have our first child almost 6 years into our marriage. The truth is I was young and dumb, and I am so thankful I was!
When I met Nate, I was headed no where good. I was sexually active (at a super young age), I was drinking, smoking, suicidal, struggling with depression, and had a severe eating disorder. I was a mess. On a nightly, I would cry out to God not knowing if he even really existed, to save me, to rescue me, to give me the courage to end it! I had a plan to end my life, but every time I failed. I believed my plan was the right one, the only one. I was so twisted in my thinking, but God had a bigger plan for my life. I just could not see it past my own destruction. His plan involved using his people. Did you know that God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things?
Nate and his family moved into my town (when I was just 11 years old) and his dad became the pastor of the church my family attended. I was not following Jesus, but I did go to church almost 3 times a week! Did you know you can attend church on a regular basis, but have no clue who Jesus really is, or what a healthy relationship with our Lord and Savior looks like? Fast-forward about 4 years and the friendship that Nate and I formed turned into love, it was unique and precious. He helped me through some tough wounds, and I fell in love with his compassion, commitment, and drive for the Lord. I began to surround myself with the right people, and with God’s help regain the will to live. Did you know that who you surround yourself with matters, who you do life with, who you have relationship and community with matters? Why? I began changing, the things I saw in Nate and the things I loved about him, I began to become! (We can become who we spend the most time with.) I honestly believe that if his family wasn’t divinely placed into my life, that I wouldn’t be alive today.
The Lord moved mountains to reach me. The Lord showed mercy on me and took a family out of Kansas City, Missouri and moved them to a small town in Illinois. This move was a move from the Lord. It had to be, because this is not a town that typically attracts people from out of state, it is remote, small and quite frankly unheard of, but our small church had a need for a Pastor and Nate’s Dad answered the call and I am so incredibly thankful he did!
Fast-forward another 3 years and we were faced with the separation decision. Nate was headed off to Bible college and I had just graduated from high school. I knew that he was headed to Minnesota to go to college and I had college opportunities in Illinois but wanted to be near Nate. As a strong young Christian man, he knew that the only way I could be with him is if we got married, because we weren’t going to live with one another before marriage. He headed up to Minnesota, while I stayed in Illinois for the summer. I missed him terribly. I wasn’t sure I was ready to be married, but I knew that the Lord had showed me my life with Nate, and I knew that he was who God intended me to be with. Nate had also, heard from the Lord that I was who he had chosen for him (he felt this a few years prior, it took me a bit longer to be sure). So, we asked permission to be married and was married August 10th, 2002! I was 18 and he was 21! Did you know that your plan is not always his plan? I guarantee you his is better…
MARRIAGE Key Principles…
Grow Up!
Through the years Nate and I have had a lot of growing up to do! But we have grown up TOGETHER. This is truly unique. You hear so many people especially today say, “we just grew apart”, “we just aren’t who we used to be”, “she changed”, “he changed”, so on and so on. This saddens me. A major key factor in a strong healthy marriage is growing up together. What I mean by this, is we are always growing and learning, and we are always changing. We change as we grow in age, maturity, disciplines, health, seasons of life, you name it. The key is to invite your spouse into these changes, let them be a part of your disciplines, your learning process, your growth. Let them play a part in supporting you, cheering you on, encouragement. It is so important to grow up together. There will be season’s where you are growing more than your spouse and vice versa, but have patience for one another, and support each other through the journey, but never stop playing a part in the process. As my Pastor (Peter Haas) says “be co-adventurers with one another”. You will experience growth in your marriage as you go through the hills and valleys together, not expecting each other to just figure their own stuff out but figure it out together. Tackle the day to day together.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Who Are You?
It is so important to know who you are and who your spouse is. What? I know who I am and I’m pretty sure I know who I married?... No, I mean their personality (Myers Briggs), what their love language is (The Five Love Languages), their strengths (Strength Finders) how they communicate, how they think, what feeds their needs…. You must put in the work. If you want to do a job well, you train for it, you put in the work to develop your skills, you work countless hours, you focus on the task at hand, you have mentors that help you, all your effort is to the success of your job! I’m not saying marriage is a job (although…) what I am saying is that marriage takes work and you must see it as one of the most valuable, most rewarding, most successful, most purpose driven thing that you will ever do! So, I study Nate! I have learned, through the help of Myers Brigs, his personality type. This has forever changed our marriage. It has taught me to communicate better, to give grace more frequently, and to ask the right questions at the right time. I have learned his triggers, I have built healthy communication, and I have figured out how to fill his cup up, with God’s help! Do you know who you married? Do you really know?
You Talk too Much!
As an Extroverted person I talk pretty much all the time! I wake up in the morning talking, and I’m pretty sure I talk in my sleep. Early in our marriage, if I talked to my husband before about 11 a.m., I knew that I was pretty much talking to myself. I remember saying to my husband once, “well I told you about that this morning and you said sure…” and we would argue on whether I told him or not. Now I know that all he hears before 11 a.m. is wawawawawa! So, I have learned to communicate better, communication is not just talking a lot, communication is talking, listening, understanding, praying, supporting, and so much more. Communication cannot be one sided. Also, know the right time to bring things up. I used to bring things up at all the wrong times and would get so frustrated at either the response, the lack of attention, or my expectation was just not met. Now I know that it was all in the timing of my communication. I also believe that there is nothing wrong with over communicating with your spouse. I personally dislike all the sayings against communication, such as, “the less you know the better”, “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” …. I think these sayings are ridiculous. I would rather be overcommunicated to than not enough. So, my husband knows absolutely everything about me, the good, the bad, the completely vulnerable, EVERYTHING! We share our sin struggles, we share triggers, we share hurt from our past, unforgiveness struggles, we share needs that aren’t being met, we literally have absolutely no secrets! Being vulnerable and completely honest with your spouse absolutely eliminates any opportunity for the devil to seep in! Did you know that your secrets, your isolated thoughts, your lack of accountability are like doors wide open for the devil to walk through and invade your mind with terrible lies and attacks? Shut those doors with vulnerability, accountability, and truth!
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16
Please, Tell Me How I Can Help You…
I have found that my love language is absolutely Acts of Service! Words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, barely touch the surface of what one simple act from my husband can do! He hooked my dishwasher up and I was all over him, like we were newly married! So, I specifically love this key principle in marriage, OUT SERVE ONE ANOTHER, EXPECTING NOTHING IN RETURN! The last part of that sentence is critical, expect nothing in return! We do not serve one another so that we might get a reward, we serve one another with a grateful heart, knowing that God sees you, and he loves you! Your acts of service never go unseen by the Lord.
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:19-21
My goal is to take noise away from my husband. I want to make his life easier and I know he wants the same for me. Carry each other’s burdens, help one another, fight for one another, serve, and love one another… If we equally try to work together to help one another, God will use us in ways we cannot even imagine. In our unity, with God in the center, no evil can prosper. I truly believe that the devil wants nothing more than to take you out! He wants to destroy marriages. Do not let him! Did you know that you have the power to silence the enemy with a simple act of love?
Wrap it up!
I have given you 4 principles to a healthy marriage, of course there are so many more, but in my experience these 4 are the ones that can literally make all the difference!
1. Grow Up Together, Invite each other into your own personal growth
2. Study Each other, Know Each other
3. Communication, healthy communication
4. Out Serve one another, expecting Nothing in return!
Dear God,
Thank you for my marriage. Thank you for my children. Thank you for my family. I pray that nothing comes between us. No weapon formed against us will prosper! I pray that you keep us pure, humble, and full of love. I pray that you protect us from the attempts of the enemy! We place you Lord in the center of our home and our marriage. Thank you, God, for filling our home with love and compassion. Thank you, Lord, for allowing us to be used by you! We are so thankful for all that you have done for us and all you will continue to do. Dear Lord, continue to use us to further your kingdom, in your name we pray, Amen!
by: jess puccini
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