Freedom in Parenting

My bout with suicide:

From the ages of about 10-16, I struggled with mental health. When I was about 10 years old to about 13, I was sexually abused. From then on, my mental health took a very dark turn and held me captive. Until I was about 16 years old, I had intense thoughts of suicide, super demonic thoughts on all the ways I could kill myself. I had three pretty solid attempts that I can recall. The enemy tormented my mind and almost succeeded with his plan to take me out.

Journal Entry: "Today was a hard day. I don't deserve him (Nate, 17-year-old boyfriend). He listened to me when I shared my secret with him. I feel so gross. I'm so ashamed. I feel so stupid. I don't really want to be alive. He will probably break up with me because I'm damaged goods. How could he even like me really? I tried to stay under the water in the tub but I'm weak. It's hard to drown yourself. Not the way to go I guess." -Jess (at age 15)

At 15, my self-worth was at an ultimate low. I didn't seek help, and I hid it from so many people. I finally shared my story with Nate (who is now my husband) at 15. But it wasn't until I was maybe 18 when I finally admitted some of the torment I was experiencing to my family. Needless to say, I needed professional help and didn't get it! In my generation, therapy or counseling was not a readily available thing, nor was it encouraged. It was very hush, hush! No help, no healing...

My beautiful son Noah:

Fast forward about 20 years and I’m now faced with parenting a child who is struggling with the same thing. In October of 2020, we were smack dab in the middle of covid. My 11-year-old son Noah got sick with strep throat. When I took him into the doctor, however, he was denied the strep test and was issued a covid test instead. By the time we got his test results back (negative, of course), he seemed fine, so I sent him off to school.

About a week later, out of nowhere, he started having extreme mood swings. He began throwing fits, crying uncontrollably, getting super angry with no control over his emotions. He was also struggling with anxiety, heavy OCD, and dark depression. It seemed almost demonic at times. When we realized that this was something more than just puberty, I took him to see his doctor. They immediately diagnosed him with PANDAS- a syndrome caused by strep throat when it's gone untreated. As we sat in the room with the doctor and she questioned him on his mental health, I fell apart! I began weeping uncontrollably under my mask, while trying to put on a brave front for my son. I mean, he was talking about ways to kill himself.

"I don't want to be alive." "I can't stop the noises in my head." "I mean, I'm not sure I want to die, but how do I stop my bad thoughts?"-Noah (age 11)

Hard stuff to gulp for any parent let alone, a triggered one. I realized in that moment; I was not free. I was still captive to thoughts of suicide in my own life. I was not whole. I was trying to be strong for my son, but I felt afraid, so much fear overwhelmed me, and I did not feel qualified to be his parent. I caught myself wishing Nate was there instead. I was insecure in my parenting. I did not feel qualified as Noah's mom because I was trying to parent out of my 10-year-old self. It was then I realized my lack of Freedom and healing in Mental Health and Suicide.

My Realization:

I realized I needed to get free and whole! I realized I can’t have insecurities in parenting- I can’t afford to! I also realized that I am the exact parent Noah needs. I can empathize with him because I have been there before, but I can't help him if I am not healed. I began my search for freedom because, I knew I had to walk boldly in this mission as Noah's mom. I wanted to become equipped and ready to fight the battles with him!

What if I was fully armed and ready to help him fight strong spiritual battles?!

I need to find freedom from this moment in my life which has held me captive for so long. It’s not too late to find freedom. This may come as a shocker… but our kids are still going to need us at every stage of life. How great would it be if I could actually give them the healthiest version of me? If I could give them sound healthy advice that guides them to continue to call on Jesus in their struggles and trials.

So, I began my journey...

How to find Freedom…

I surrounded myself with mentors and friends who have journeyed their own path to freedom. I began to read all the books and Scripture on Freedom. One book in particular that stood out is "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. I loved this particular quote:

"The question isn’t so much, are you parenting the right way? As it is: Are you the adult you want your child to grow up to be? We cannot give our children what we don’t have."

I would give my kids the world, but I can only do this if I have found freedom from the world that I have become captive to.

I therefore began a Freedom Course offered at Substance Church. Freedom (Winter/Spring 2022) - Substance Church (churchcenter.com) It gave me simple tools and Scripture that helped me begin my journey to freedom.

You have to seek Freedom! Walking with God allows you to walk in true Freedom. I want this!

Me finding freedom from what has held me captive in the past will be my children’s authority in their generation. My freedom is their authority, my captivity is their dysfunction. I want my kids to have authority not dysfunction!

I don’t want to become captive by dysfunction passed down from generations. I can change this narrative and pass down health and holiness. I want to have righteous authority around this unrighteous attempt of the enemy over my legacy, my children! My calling is leaving a holy legacy to my kids.

Speak life: "I am the mom my kids need, and no one is more equipped for this mission!"

Questions to think about: What are the lies the enemy keeps repeating to you? Pay attention to your hurts and your triggers. What area of your life continues to play over and over on repeat? What topic do you have a hard time talking about without heavy emotion or maybe you just talk about this specific thing too much…???

Scripture (selected by Noah Puccini):

I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, You are my servant; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. “All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. -Isaiah 41:9-13 NIV